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A friend of mine just sent me this email today…
Statutory warning: If you are not South Indian it might be pointless reading further…
Extra Statutory warning: If you are a mallu with the pride of Kerala in your loins DON’T read any further.
It has been a well kept secret for eons, shrouded in mystery and mazes of deceit, but finally Itty Boben Jacob Elias Kuruvilla from Pazhookaville, near Thelmasherry, Kerala has consented to let us publish this classified mallu formula, on the naming of mallu christian kids.
1. Select a combination of both the mother and fathers names. Eg: Suresh and Sharon = Susha or Joseph and Beena = Jobi.
2. The addition of a ‘mon’ (meaning son) or ‘mol’ (meaning daughter) is optional. eg: Sushamol, Jobimon
3. To attach a modern anglicised feel to the names, the mol or mon can be replaced with boy or girl. eg: Jobiboy, Sushagirl.
4. For the politically correct keralite family, mol and mon can be replaced by the universal ‘kutty’(child), which can be used for both boys and girls! eg: Jokutty, Susikutty
Even parents having combination names can still give their children suitable names eg: Libi and Jobi = Lijo
However, in the scenario where the parents already have combination names that cannot form more comprehensible child names. Eg: Itty and Ammukutty, would produce only Itam (which doesn’t even sound like a name) or Anuj (which is like Northie and stuff!!!!), then:
a. use an English word like Baby, Merry, Titty, Pearly, Smiley, Anarchy, etc.
b. use a combination of two English names that you think sound cool (but never cool enough) like Meredith + Gina = Megi, or Sharon + Darlene = Sharlene
c. Use a name from the Bible (and not Nebuchadnezzar! Use one that even velliammachi can pronounce!) like Jacob, Sam, John, Joseph, Mathew, or Jijo!
d. Use a name that sounds like a cuss word but isn’t. Eg: Boben, Shagi, JustinTimberlake etc.
Note: The use of the letter ‘j’ is useful in the naming of sibling where names that sound alike are a novelty. Eg: Ajji, Sajji, Majji, Bhajji and Nimajji, or Sijo, Lijo, Jijo, Anjo, Panjo, Banjo.
Q. What do you call a mallu kid who sticks his nose into other people’s business?
A. Pokemon!!!!!
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